Dear Shawna, “I’m married but still a virgin. Every time I try to initiate something, my husband won’t allow me to take off my bra or panties. Help?
Wow! Let me start by saying this, staying a virgin until marriage is a huge accomplishment. The highest honor to give your husband, well usually, but in this case, he doesn’t even want it….
Wait a Dadburn minute!!! How does this even work!?! I’m going to need some more details… How long did y’all date? Was it an arranged marriage? You didn’t see this as a red flag in the relationship? If you did and still decided marriage was the fix-all for this problem we have bigger problems than y’all not “doing laundry”.
Let me get this straight: you are walking around trying to get naked and he is just running from you? Oh my goodness. Now I’m imagining a grown man running away from a half-naked female. I can’t fathom this idea nor can I help but laugh at how utterly ridiculous this sight must be.
First, I’m going to say there had to have one or two conversations about what was expected on the honeymoon. I know weddings are exhausting but shoot! I think in some states you have to consummate the marriage for it to be legal.
There was never a heads-up that while you love him and agreed to spend the rest of your life with this guy he would be bringing you into a sexless marriage?
Next, I need to know your age. What’s the age of your husband? Do we think there could be a medical reason he isn’t doing laundry? Does he have a bad heart? Does he require oxygen to breathe? Did he come equipped with all the tools needed to complete the job? All of these questions need to be answered before we start to think about IT’S YOU.
So let’s say he checks all these boxes with a “No” then you have got to ask yourself what’s wrong with you? I have been to plenty of bars and seen some of the uglies people leave with come closing time. (I’m not saying these couples would win a beauty pageant but I’m saying their beer goggles were so good they found a cuddle buddy for the night) I think it’s called a coyote ugly. Where the person from the bar you do laundry with is so ugly you would rather chew your arm off than wake them up and have to look at them one last time before making your way out of the front door.
Now, Back to you. Let’s make sure you are doing all the things needed to be found irresistible. Hygiene. Are you showering at least once a day? Brushing your teeth at least twice a day? Applying deodorant? Wearing socks? Do you have one eyebrow or two? You know all the basic things people do to assure they are halfway presentable for society.
If you answered yes to all of the basic hygiene questions and you are still sexless, then your next step is buying pheromone oil and bathing in it. Go ahead and soak in it as the elderly do in an Epsom salt bath after a long day of working in the garden. Bahaha. Just kidding, well maybe. We might circle back to that if getting him drunk doesn’t work.
So now you are showered and ready to rumble. He will have to fall into one of the two following categories. He is either a country boy or not.
If he’s a county boy, ask him to check you for ticks… There was once a song about it and I’m pretty sure it led to “doing laundry” in the woods… If he isn’t a country boy, I would just take all your clothes outside and set them on fire in the backyard. This will leave him no either go out and buy more clothes to cover you up or Voila you are now a lady who’s doing laundry with her husband.
If he goes out and buys your more clothes instead of doing laundry with his wife, FILE FOR A DIVORCE. This means he would rather pay to not see you naked and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. I don’t care how homely you may be, there is always someone desperate to see a lady and her lumps… even the ugliest of people have been in “lust” for at least a night!
Good Luck!!