Dear Shawna,
My ex-husband is getting remarried soon. Two out of our three children have expressed that they will not be attending this wedding. What’s the right thing to do in my situation? The relationship between my ex-husband and the older children (16 and 14) turned sour when they witnessed the behavior changes in their dad during the separation and divorce. Do I allow them to make their own decisions and let them skip the wedding?
I would respect their wishes and stand by the fact that they are old enough to make this call. I would never push my kids to have contact with any family member they feel disrupts their peace.
As a mom, we play the “fix it” role often but sometimes we have to remember there are consequences for every action. If their relationship with their dad has evolved due to his actions, I feel it’s in good faith to let them make the choice that feels best for them.
I’m not saying they can be disrespectful about it at all. But I am saying at 16 and 14 they can pretty much decipher what’s going on around them. While their dad’s behavior might not have always been fairytale dad, I’m sure seeing him in his true colors has opened their eyes to see things you as a wife or mom tried to hide from them.
Maybe he never really wanted to coach the baseball team, but when you had a private discussion about it he angrily agreed to shut you up. They don’t see the mad husband in him just the coach that pretended to enjoy it.
When kids start to take their blinders off in situations such as divorce, they will eventually get to see a person’s true character.
I say they are at an age where they know what’s best for them. Support them. As kids/young adults, it’s so hard to open up and verbalize their wishes in fear of always being looked at as a child who’s not old enough to make decisions on their own. You know your kids best, if they don’t want to go I’m sure there is a good reason behind it.
If you want you could have an open discussion with the two of them and ask if they have a certain reason they don’t want to go. Let them know they can be happy for their dad and his new wife and still love you. Showing up to their wedding doesn’t mean they love her more than you. Express that you are happy to see him (become someone else’s problem) happy.
After the discussion, if they still feel this way It’s time to plan a day with just you 3 while the youngest one attends the wedding.
If the ex-husband has a problem with them not being there, remind him they are old enough to decide what they are comfortable with and you are supporting their decision. That’s all that needs to be said.
No one ever wins when kids hear their parents speak poorly about the other. Keep it civil. Learn from me, you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar. Kill him with kindness. Then if that doesn’t work bust out your little friend. Remind him who’s running the show. Don’t kill him, just pistol whip him with it a little, tell him to get his mind right, and send him on his way to the chapel.