Dear Shawna, How do I tell my girlfriend of 4 weeks her breath is terrible? Like, bad! We don’t live in the same town, so it’s not like I see her daily, but when we see each other, it’s good. Good with a side of horrible breath. Help.
Hate to break it to you, but this is a huge red flag. Bad breath is one of two things: a horrible habit of not brushing correctly or a health condition. Both of these can be helped if not fixed completely.
So when yall are hanging out, I assume y’all are spending that time at either your house or hers. If at your place, I would throw together a basket of all essentials needed to make her feel welcome in your home. You know the basics: deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, make-up wipes, toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and fun face masks. All the things you usually pack for an extended vacation.
Shoot, I can even place an online grocery order and select all you need to make this happen.
Then all you have to do is throw it in the basket I already chose for you.
Set it up on the coffee table with her favorite flowers and a movie snack. This way, it’s more of a gift. A “ get it together” kind of gift. But still a gift. We can even throw in some house shoes and a blanket for an added brownie point or two.
So your basket is set up. You have packed a basket of overnight essentials fit for a Queen. A queen who is lacking in dental hygiene, but she’s still a (stinky) queen.
She comes into town on Friday night. You take her to dinner. Wine and dine her. Let her know how excited you are that she is here and how all you can think about is getting home and cuddling on the couch while y’all watch a movie. Most chicks love this. ( Me, not so much, give me space. We aren’t conjoined twins.)
When you all walk into the house after dinner, she will see the gift basket, snacks, and flowers on the table.
Excitedly show her all the things you picked out just for her. Act like you are on the Price is Right, and you just won a car. Show her all of it, item by item. Tell her you tried this new toothbrush, and all you can think about is how you wanted to spoil her with the same one.
As the night winds down and she has slipped off her Skims/ Spanx she was wearing to mold her into that perfect hourglass shape, you invite her to the bathroom to try out the toothbrush and face mask you gave her in the basket.
Grab her toothbrush and apply the toothpaste to yours and hers making her think at this very moment, romance isn’t dead. She will love this. Girls in new relationships think everything is cute. She will be smiling ear to ear, not knowing all you want is one minty fresh goodnight kiss. Instead of the regular skunk butt kiss, she has willingly given you the last two months.
This should work. But if she doesn’t bite on this perfectly planned solution, you resort to honesty. Honesty is always best. So if you went out of your way to sugar-coat the fact she has skunk butt breath by making a basket, and she still can’t get the hint. Tell her! Come out and tell her, “Girl, your body is like a wonderland, but that breath is like the hind end of a skunk! If you want to continue this, It would be best if you got that under control.”
This is bound to work one of two ways. One way she takes the hint and changes up her routine and starts brushing her teeth. Or two, you are SINGLE! Either way, you are rid of stinky skunk butt kisses!!!
~ Shawna If you or anyone you know needs help, email me, and I will help you. No question will go unanswered. I specialize in love and romance. After all, I already have 3.5 marriages under my belt! A true overachiever, if you will. Shawnasaveme@gmail.com. Let’s get you to live your best life!!!