Dear Shawna, How do I tell my husband I don’t want to include his biological son (9) on our 2-week long family vacation this summer? I love his son, but he is aggressive and disrespectful to me and our younger kids.
Sincerely, Stressed Stepmom
Dear Stressed Stepmom, This is a hard one no matter how you spin it. I’m assuming going into the relationship of a man with children, that you understood exactly what that would entail. You knew the role of being a stepmom, or as I call it “wife to the child’s dad” wasn’t going to be without struggles.
No “stepmoms” are needed when their mom is still around. I’m weird about titles and stepmom isn’t one I use. There is no need to step up when the mom never stepped down.
Being a stepmom is one of the roles where the wins are not the same as a bio mom win. As a stepmom, you are limited to the things you can do, the main one is discipline. You don’t need to discipline your husband’s kids. You let him handle that. You are already the wicked stepmom, don’t let this be another strike against you.
I would start the conversation with your husband off with the things that you love about your stepson. Also praise your husband for being a caring dad. Example: “I love the way you weren’t embarrassed when lil Johnny acted a fool in Heb.” Then you hit him with the punch. Square up, knock him out with the things that are bothering you. “But if he does it again I will handle it myself.” My advice to your husband is unless he wants you to handle the discipline of lil Johnny, he had better handle it and handle it quickly.
Set exceptions as a family unit for all children, including lil’ Johnny. Make sure these expectations are age appropriate. Let your husband know you are having reservations about spending the two weeks with Johnny and his bad behavior. Let him know you will not be having Johnny join in on vacation this summer unless you see some huge improvement in his behavior.
Sometimes all a kid needs is a little attention. These days it seems all the Little Johnnys of the world need a belt a-crossed their hind end to remind them who runs the show. I’m a firm believer in the old, “Act a fool, get beat!” parenting style. Rear back and make sure Johnny knows he is a child and is expected to act accordingly.
Disrespect is a behavior Johnny has learned in my unprofessional opinion. Johnny has more than likely seen the way the adults act and he assumes disrespect is acceptable.
I have seen it a million times, the son is disrespectful to the mom because their dad is disrespectful to her himself. You can’t make a boy treat a female with respect if his example sucks. If this isn’t the case here, again get that ole switch off the tree out yonder and remind him how he is expected to act.
If your husband sees no problem with Johnny’s behavior, you can always opt out of vacation and let them enjoy the 2 weeks alone. Then when your husband returns from his trip tell him you have planned a vacation with your and the other kids. Blended families are hard to balance. I believe the bio kids need time with their bio parents alone. No younger siblings fighting for dad’s attention, no new wife wanted to be involved. Just the Dad and Bio- kid.
I know this looks like a huge mistake from an outside point of view but you would be surprised by the bonding that will take place which helps their relationship be stronger in the end.
I know all kids like to be the star of the show from time to time so maybe a boys-only trip isn’t so bad. The plus side is, you aren’t there to witness the mayhem and you also get a few days bonding with the younger kids. A win, win!
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